Choosing Obedience

My spirit longs to be free from the heaviness that I am holding on to. There is so much behind me that has filled my heart but no longer can fill my hands.

It started Sunday night when I found out a dear friend of mine set the date for her wedding. My joyful heart sunk in selfish sorrow! I've had the privilege of watching this amazing woman of God learn who she is in Christ, choose to put Him first, strive to better herself by going back to school even when her family did not support her decision, and show her kids what it means to walk in the fullness of who God created her to be. She has experienced the oppression of generational poverty and stereotypes but has chosen to persevere, breaking through the chains of her circumstances. It is heartbreaking knowing that I wont get to see her walk down the aisle in her beautiful purple dress. God's beautiful redemption story unfolding for her life and yet I don’t get to be there with her.

At our Monday morning meeting God asked me to walk in obedience…

I knew that He was asking me to be okay with not seeing the fruits of His work back home and even more importantly He was asking me to make a choice. It was time to lay down my own strength and knowledge and obediently walk in the new creation He was molding me into. I have been asked to start walking in a new role at TTH and I am not equipped for this HUGE role. He is asking me to lay down my own agendas and limitations to have free hands to receive new gifts that are needed in order to walk it out.

It's been an internal struggle learning what to do with the things I see here that make walking in obedience hard. I struggle with knowing where to start or what to do with the overwhelming need and injustice that fill the air like the oxygen we breathe. It is not fair watching a 7 year old girl be in charge of her four younger siblings while the mom is no where to be seen and it is hard trying to empower the people of God when cultural norms conflict with the Kingdom Culture.

Rarely does it make sense to me but I have the choice just like Ananias.

"10 Now there was a disciple at Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he said, “Here I am, Lord.” 11 And the Lord said to him, “Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, 12 and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him so that he might regain his sight.” 13 But Ananias answered, “Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. 14 And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.” 15 But the Lord said to him, “Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. 16 For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.” 17 So Ananias departed and entered the house. And laying his hands on him he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus who appeared to you on the road by which you came has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” 18 And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he rose and was baptized; 19 and taking food, he was strengthened." Acts 9:10-19

Ananias had the choice to be obedient and go to Saul, the very man that was persecuting Christians at the time. The beautiful part of the story is that out of Ananias's obedience, Saul dedicated his life to glorifying Him and to make His name known among the nations. My prayer is that I will choose to be obedient like Ananias in the small everyday things. I pray that by choosing obedience, God will be glorified and opportunities arise to make Him known.

Walking With Unexpected Expectations

I knew when I left TTH the first time that God was calling me to Galveston and I WASN’T EXCITED. For the longest time Galveston represented bondage, broken relationships, and a lost identity. I wasn’t ready to face it again and fear of losing my identity once more made my heart heavy. God revealed to me that my story was like the Israelites leaving Egypt. They were brought out of bondage and were no longer called to live as slaves but as children of God. The shackles were off and they were called to walk in that freedom. I am awe struck looking back and seeing how he took all the broken pieces in my life and made something beautiful from them. I'm positive that God placed me in Galveston as a season of preparation. Everything that I learned while working at Galveston Urban Ministries overlaps and is being implemented in the work that I am doing here. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to learn from.


When I arrived at Ten Thousand Homes, the ministry was on a two week break because it was school holiday. It gave me a chance to get over jetlag, start building relationships with the group of people I will be living with for the next year and be approved to drive on my own. Class started up and we laid everything out on the table. We shared what we were excited about and the expectations we had for what this next year would look like. I don’t think I was ready for what God was planning.


It's taken me weeks to write this blog because I haven't been able to sort through the sea of emotions that seem to change with the tides of the day. Everything felt normal, as if I had never left and yet everything seemed completely foreign to what I had known before. As the days continued, it became more apparent that I had brought unexpected expectations with me and God was about to shatter them in order to create something new in me.

 

God came in and wrecked shop…in a good way!

 

Alone time doesn’t actually exist in the same way it does in the states. Being an introvert, I have had to learn that quality alone time is more important that quantity.

There is no time frame on how fast God will start to use you, even if you don’t think you are ready.

The level of surrendering is uncomfortable and yet there is freedom in it.

Understanding and being understood takes a lot longer when there are cross culture differences in the community and even on base.

Most importantly, my definition of the built in family waiting for me was too small compared to what God designed.

He creates family out of unexpected people. I am blessed with a whole base full of people who have come together for the same reason and we are called to represent His family in the way we live in community.

 

 "God settles the solitary in a home" (Psalm 68:6a)

 

I feel like I'm about to be bungee jumping. My heart is anxious, excited, and yet terrified as I stand on the edge, looking down into the depths of what he is calling me to. He is pressing in on me to lean forward and let go of all things that are holding me back from the edge, that I may free fall into the great unknown with Him as my only anchor and security.

Through The Eyes Of His Children

On Mondays TTH sends a team out to serve alongside Bukiwe, a local woman who saw the need to care for the AIDS orphans in her community. As we pulled into the gate, the need was immediately apparent. Kids rushed the car to be embraced with affection and some clung to us in eager desperation to be noticed. The faces are the same after two years... just a little older with stories untold. I don't know their stories and I am not sure I ever will, but the one thing I am sure of is that He is revealing His Kingdom Come through their eyes.

 

 

 

Meet the faces of Clau Clau, South Africa

Look in their eyes and tell me, what do you see?

 

 

 



 

 

 

(All Photos Credited to Laura Uechi)

 

 



The Long Awaited Arrival And The Baggage It Came With

As I loaded the plane, people from all over the world filed in and loaded their bags above their seats. I of course followed suit placing my GIANT bag (full of books that I couldn’t part with) into the overhead compartment along with the extra baggage I didn’t realize I was carrying.  The baggage of doubt, questions, and insecurities did not out weigh my bag full of books, excitement, and anticipation but were heavy enough that they weighed on my heart.

I began to open encouraging letters from friends and family that I had left behind. They were full of prayers, words of truth, and stories of this beautiful person that I didn’t see myself to be. I think it is something we all struggle with, it's hard looking past our flaws to see ourselves as more than someone rough around the edges. Our identity and worth is found in Christ, but sometimes the world is so loud that it drowns out God's tender whispers of truth.

Over the past three months I have felt like a child in a growth spurt with all the aches and pains that come with changes. God has been so gentle and sweet as he has shown me His mercy. I was obedient in the leap of faith that He was calling me to and now I am trying to catch up to it. No matter how many stumbling blocks God cast aside by His faithful provisions, satan still looks for that chink in the armor to plant the arrow of insecurity. I have doubted if I would be able to do this, if I would be able to bring anything to the table and have wondered if I would find my place once I was there...  

 

After 15 hours on a plane I finally arrived in Johannesburg and as I stepped off the plane I couldnt help but smile at the realization that I was finally home. Kacy greeted me with a giant container of water and of course a banana. She then proceeded to tell me that we were going to a party! We stayed in Joberg with her friends, Marion and Rob, who just so happened to be in charge of the Lion's Club. So, with only a few hours of sleep and the smell of airplane on me, we joined the group to play South Africa Trivia. Needless to say, our team ended up winning second place without our help!

It wasn’t until the next day during the 4 hours car ride to White River that I was able to look at the baggage of lies through a God lens. I shared with Kacy without her realizing it and she reminded me that we are all one family. God's family. And in God's family I will never have to worry about finding my place because it was already found. All I was required to do was be who he created me to be and let him move through me.

God reminded me that it is all very simple. I am to be obedient in my faithfulness every step of every day. He will take care of the rest. He is the one who calls, equips, is enough, and he will go before me and also be my rear guard.

We pulled onto the dirt road and were welcomed home by the entire TTH staff. As they carried my belongings into the house, I realized there was a little less baggage than before.

Now, as I sit here dreaming with God about this next year,

 I feel that he is speaking the word CHANGE over me.

 

"I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently. Only the good stories have the characters different at the end than they were at the beginning.” -Donald Miller

 

So I have three dreams of change and a disclaimer for you as I start this season of my life!

 

Disclaimer: Not knowing

"And, I when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." - 1 Corinthians 2:1-5

 

Dream One: Believing that the Spirit will speak through me

"But, as it is written, What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him- these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God… Now we have received not the spirit of this world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given to us by God. And we impart this in words not taught  by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual." 1 Corinthians 2:10, 12-13

 

Dream Two: To be faithfully devoted

"And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit…I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraints upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord." 1 Corinthians 7:34a, 35

 

Dream Three: Willing to walk out His calling to the new covenant

"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the spirit. For the letter kills, but the spirit gives life…Since we have such a hope, we are very bold, not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face so that the Israelites might not gaze at the outcome of what was being brought to an end…Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where there Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled faces, beholding the glory of God, are being transformed into the same image from one degree to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:4-6, 12-13, 17-18

Each day I pray that I may have faith like Abraham.

 

"No unbelief made him waiver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he has promised. That is why his faith was counted to him as righteousness." -Romans 4:20-22

A Few Drops And Then A Flood

It Happened….

The first set of tears finally came and they won't  stop….

It all started Sunday night as I walked into a surprise going away party for me at Galveston Urban Ministries. As I took the blindfold off, I realized that people from all different areas of my life surrounded me. They were there for me! They came to support me, love on me, encourage me, lift me up in prayer, and send me off with the truth of how God had used me and how he will continue to do so.

As this truth sunk in I began to cry.

Five hours earlier I was struggling. I didn’t know if I had even made a difference in one person’s life while being here in Galveston. It was as if I had been blinded by all the doubts and insecurities that hid in the shadows of my heart. I doubted that I could have made a difference these past couple years and wondered if there was a purpose to it all.

It was as if I was in slow motion as I scanned the extremely full room of smiling faces! And as the tears filled my eyes, the Lord sweetly whispered in my ear “I love you and you have loved well!”

It’s not that I need people’s praise or reassurance to measure my worth, I don’t. My worth is found securely in my redeemer! But by being obedient in following God’s plan, I was able to see a glimpse of how it can bring Glory to his name. And with that, I am reminded that He is good and intends good. 

It is encouragement to a weary soul.

As the week has gone by I have said one goodbye after the other thinking it would get easier with each one. My mind flashes through the past 4 years of memories with each person and with it comes tears of joy and tears of a final goodbye. The hardest part is when they don’t understand why I am leaving and ask if I will just stay as tears fill their eyes. I speak one final truth to them, reminding them that God loves them so incredibly much and that just because I am leaving it doesn’t mean that I will forget them or stop loving them.

I will be leaving a trail of tears as I drive away from Galveston. 

May they roll down my cheeks and soften the ground that I once pulled weeds in, so that the next person may plant seeds. I pray that they are not released in vain and that they will serve a purpose of preparing long lasting friendships that will sprout up from hard conversations and break throughs.

As much as I don’t want to share those so dear to my heart, I pray that they may be filled with God’s love and surrounded by people who can hug and hold them so tight that they will never feel my absence.

As we hold our plans open handed, lifted up to God, let us thank Him for His favor in letting us be a part of his beautiful story that is unfolding in the lives of those around us. May we be willing and continue to invest wherever He calls us and trust him when he says its time to leave, even when it seems unbearable.

There is beauty in tears caused by love, there is beauty in caring so deeply that it causes your bones to ache, and there is beauty in being broken in just the right place.

May He be glorified in this heart that has been broken!

What Funding The Mission Really Means

About 7 weeks ago I started fundraising for the Staff In-Training Program I will be attending at Ten Thousand Homes in South Africa. I have learned how hard it is to lay down my insecurities, doubts, agendas, and pride to take up faith alone. He has walked me through...well more like carried me through, these past few weeks as I have taken baby steps in learning what waking out in faith actually looks and feels like.

No one really tells you how difficult it is to continually choose to walk in the opposite spirit of the flesh, especially when everything around you screams that it is impossible!

And then there comes that unexpected, quiet, sweet moment when your heart experiences JOY!

This joy fills your heart as you lean more and more on the One who has called you to follow him. To my surprise that is just the beginning! It then begins to overflow when He brings people alongside you to help share His love and ultimately bring more GLORY TO HIS NAME!

There is so much more that comes from joining in on this journey with me and I couldn't express it any better than Ben Stuart from Breakaway Ministries. He is speaking to college students but I feel this applies to all ages! He shares about What Funding The Mission Really Means and my prayer is that you will take the time to listen to the podcast!

Please hear my thanks through this podcast and I pray that you are encouraged from this as much as I was.

*To listen to the Podcast click on the link above (What Funding The Mission Really Means).

When God Calls You Out Of The Mundane And Into The Messy

When people ask me what I do at Galveston Urban Ministries my response is normally that I run an after school program for at risk elementary children.

...the words seem to always fall short and sound empty.

I get strange looks when I struggle to explain in a 5 minute window a job that seems simple on the outside. Most days I am a teacher, a mentor, a friend, an advocate and a mother at the same time to 15 children who live in a world that is completely foreign to most. I am the bad guy who has to lay down rules to enforce healthy boundaries in order for kids to flourish. The mundane does consist of bible lessons, homework help, snacks, and fun field trips but there is a whole other side that keeps most staff members up at night and causes righteous anger. When you decide to care, to invest, and to walk along side people it gets MESSY!

In a single week there has been hard conversations with parents about what it looks like to be a parent, CPS cases, involvement in illegal activity, abuse, parents responding in survival mode, children using drugs and sleeping around because of their innocence being shattered at the age of six, and the list goes on. They have become hardened by the broken world they live in and they are blinded by the reality of the cycle of poverty. 

Each day I wake up and help pick up the pieces of broken families and walk beside them to help carrying the pieces. We do it to try and help them see something beautiful out of their pieces. We struggle to speak the same truths over and over again like a broken record in hopes that they too will see that all the broken pieces can become something more, something different, that there is hope!

When the waves of despair start to roar up higher than our heads we lose sight of the purpose

 ...and start to question.

We question our abilities, our calling, our knowledge, our resources, and we doubt God's goodness and sovereignty.

To me, that is the scariest place! To forget that you are effective in making a difference is exactly where satan wants us to be. We focus on our circumstances and forget to keep our eyes on Jesus, the source of strength, comfort, and guidance. In those moments my prayer is that the Holy Spirit reminds us to take captive each thought and make it obedient to Christ.

I know my job is very different from most. To be honest it's probably a lot to handle on an every day basis. It doesn't fit into a nice tiny box or stay on my desk to be forgotten and picked up the next day. This job is messy and it bleeds through every area of my life. As crazy as it sounds it is my passion!  I have learned to live out the calling God has placed on my heart and have been shown how to walk things out in love like Jesus. For me, it just happens to be on the other side of the railroad tracks.

My question is... am I alone in the suffering, struggling, and loving?

You may not have a passion to work with at risk families but are you using your passion to bring glory to God wherever you are?

"Then he said to his disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.'" Matt 9:37 

It's more than attending church, tithing, attending small group, participating in a service project once or twice a year, or feeding the homeless at Christmas. YES the body of Christ is called to be devoted to the teachings, fellowship, prayer, and the breaking of bread; BUT the body of Christ is also called to look outward and care for the orphans, widows, the outcasts, and the marginalized.

He has called us to something bigger than an easy mundane life style. He has called to suffer with those who suffer, to mourn with those who mourn, and to rejoice with those who are rejoicing. AND THE CRAZIEST PART IS THAT IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY, REWARDING, OR EVEN COMFORTABLE!

He calls us to be the hands and feet in order to resemble Christ, THE HOPE, to those who are struggling to carry all their broken pieces by themselves.

I am not saying I do this right and I'm definitely not saying that I do it well. What I am saying is that we are ALL called.

Let us open our eyes to this broken world and speak truth, share THE HOPE that never fails, and ultimately bring glory to His Name!