My spirit longs to
be free from the heaviness that I am holding on to. There is so much behind me
that has filled my heart but no longer can fill my hands.
It started Sunday
night when I found out a dear friend of mine set the date for her wedding. My
joyful heart sunk in selfish sorrow! I've had the privilege of watching this
amazing woman of God learn who she is in Christ, choose to put Him first,
strive to better herself by going back to school even when her family did not
support her decision, and show her kids what it means to walk in the fullness
of who God created her to be. She has experienced the oppression of
generational poverty and stereotypes but has chosen to persevere, breaking
through the chains of her circumstances. It is heartbreaking knowing that I
wont get to see her walk down the aisle in her beautiful purple dress. God's
beautiful redemption story unfolding for her life and yet I don’t get to be
there with her.
At our Monday
morning meeting God asked me to walk in obedience…
I knew that He was
asking me to be okay with not seeing the fruits of His work back home and even
more importantly He was asking me to make a choice. It was time to lay down my
own strength and knowledge and obediently walk in the new creation He was molding
me into. I have been asked to start walking in a new role at TTH and I am not
equipped for this HUGE role. He is asking me to lay down my own agendas and
limitations to have free hands to receive new gifts that are needed in order to
walk it out.
It's been an
internal struggle learning what to do with the things I see here that make
walking in obedience hard. I struggle with knowing where to start or what to do
with the overwhelming need and injustice that fill the air like the oxygen we
breathe. It is not fair watching a 7 year old girl be in charge of her four
younger siblings while the mom is no where to be seen and it is hard trying to
empower the people of God when cultural norms conflict with the Kingdom
Culture.
Rarely does it make
sense to me but I have the choice just like Ananias.
"10 Now there was a disciple at
Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, “Ananias.” And he
said, “Here I am, Lord.” 11 And
the Lord said to him, “Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the
house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, 12 and he has seen in a vision a man
named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him so that he might regain his
sight.” 13 But Ananias answered,
“Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your
saints at Jerusalem. 14 And here
he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name.” 15 But the Lord said to him, “Go, for
he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and
kings and the children of Israel. 16 For
I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name.” 17 So Ananias departed and entered the
house. And laying his hands on him he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus who
appeared to you on the road by which you came has sent me so that you may
regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” 18 And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes,
and he regained his sight. Then he rose and was baptized; 19 and taking food, he was
strengthened." Acts 9:10-19
Ananias had the
choice to be obedient and go to Saul, the very man that was persecuting
Christians at the time. The beautiful part of the story is that out of
Ananias's obedience, Saul dedicated his life to glorifying Him and to make His
name known among the nations. My prayer is that I will choose to be obedient
like Ananias in the small everyday things. I pray that by choosing obedience,
God will be glorified and opportunities arise to make Him known.
