There
is a sweetness in looking back over the past year. It reveals small glimpses of
His glory. Like Moses at Mount Sinai, our unveiled stories continue to reflect
the radiance of God’s presence and illuminate our transformation from one
degree of glory to another. The more we pursue growth in our knowledge of
Christ, the more he is revealed in our lives. It’s a messy process but it is
worth the cost. If there is one thing I am sure of through this journey, it’s
that His presence has never left me, He disciplines out of love, He
continuously pursues me, and in Him I find rest. In this season my character is
still being forged in the heat of the desert. I know that there is milk and
honey on the other side but I have to be ready to fight for it just like the
Israelites. This is Him preparing me for it.
Before
I came to Ten Thousand Homes, I had already learned about my identity, gifts
and design, the father’s heart, and walked through forgiveness and
reconciliation. Those weren’t necessarily break through conversations for me. I
honestly questioned what He had for me in the beginning because I expected the
life changing lessons to come in the form of a classroom style teaching. He had
bigger plans of turning my head knowledge into heart knowledge by walking out
the truths I hold deep in my core. Relationships, communication, conflict,
obedience, submission, pride are all uncomfortable, exhausting, and even
painful to choose into. In the moments it’s hard to see how God could possibly
be working for my good in those situations and circumstances. I had little
grace and understanding for people and couldn’t communicate in a way to break
through the walls that I allowed to be there.
God
hit me fast and hard, shattering any expectations, comfort, and life reserves
that I would seek after for safety from the inner storm he was brewing in me.
He knocked out all boundaries so that I had absolutely nothing to cling to
except him this entire year. Having friends leave the ministry, mentors leave,
my role changed, not being understood and misunderstanding others, brought me
into a season of isolation that God had ordained. It’s in those seasons that
God works on our character and changes us on the inside. In the process of it,
all I could see was a serious of negative events.
When
I was in high school I took a photography class where we learned how to develop
the negatives from a roll of film. The negative was a single shot, a moment in
time, a still frame, capturing the pivotal point of your attention. We examined
it and made a choice of whether or not to develop it through a long process of
exposure to hard chemicals in order to create something beautiful and whole.
Like hardships and struggles in life, darkness was always the first part of the
picture to appear. That was the moment God was asking if I would choose into
it, to learn and to grow. Would I choose to become stronger and be transformed
into the image of Christ or would I resist and miss out on him developing the
potential in me?
One
of my favorite authors wrote; "I want to keep my soul fertile for the
changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is
time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a
moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same
page recurrently. Only the good stories have the characters different at the
end than they were at the beginning.” This is what he was asking from me. God
spoke to me a lot about who he has created me to be, what my strengths are, why
I respond in a certain way, and how to be aware of when I’m walking in my
weaknesses. More importantly He spoke on how to stand confidently transparent
so that He can shine through the not so put together places in my life. The
more real I got with Him, the more I realize that I have been aiming for a mark
that is less that what he wants for me. I have chosen when I wanted to respond
out of His love, limiting the power of influence he has given me. I responded
out of the flesh because it was more comfortable and that is what others around
me were doing.
I
have always been a very independent, strong, grounded women who has been pretty
content with life looking different than most of the people around me. What I
didn’t realize is that this pride was preventing me from seeing a deeper level
of change God was expecting from me. The more I sought Him, the more I heard
Him asking me to lay down my rights and to be obedient with my actions. He was
sweetly calling me to seek him on a deeper level and to walk out what I already
knew was the key to impacting others around me.
In
those months of seeking understanding, I felt God say; “I want to do a lasting
work in you, I’m allowing this to happen. You have pride and lack joy, your
contentment is based on your circumstances and not me. I’ve given you a gift, a
gift that you need to press into me to discover. You have what it takes and
it’s time to start walking with faithfulness, honoring your authority, and developing
the negatives into a beautiful picture. It’s a picture of my love through your
life, every person you encounter is someone I’ve entrusted to you. I want you
to be intentional, don’t grow weary, push through the surface and dig deep,
that’s where the relationship are and those are the type of relationships I
have designed you for. Don’t give up because it’s going to be hard. You will
persevere because I have designed you with a vulnerable strength. You are a gem
that is pressed and exposed only to soon be revealed as a beautiful, authentic,
one of a kind strength. Start walking in humility and choose joy. Seek me and
find peace. Seek me and find clarity. Seek me and be known. Seek me to
persevere.”
This
entire year was a process of open handedly, submitting things back into His
hands. Asking him to speak to me on a personal level and trying to keep my
focus on Him. I learned to “not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant
of his designs.” (2 Corinthians 2:11) This was a hard one because it is easy to
become distracted by our circumstances and the people that rub against us. In every situation, God has called me to be
obedient in laying down my rights of being right and being heard, in order for
me to see the bigger picture of what God is really doing in and through, those
involved. When I regained my focus, the negative wasn’t so overwhelming. He
taught me about choices. We can become just as angry, bitter, complacent, and
ineffective in our broken communities or we can choose joy. We can see the hurt
and chaos and either be broken by it and forget God’s truths or be moved to
stand firm trusting in God who intends good and be the constant light in the
darkest of places.
I have been faced with endless challenges that
have pushed me to a deeper level of trusting in the sovereignty of my Father.
It hasn’t been easy to say the least. I have felt misunderstood, incompetent,
alone, and overwhelmed. But it’s part of God cleansing our palates from
desiring anything but Him. He is breaking me in just the right place, so that I
may know what it means to be led by the spirit and to walk in the wisdom that
only He provides. This time and season has been ordained by the very one who is
chiseling off pride and bitterness. He is smoothing out the rough edges and
carving me into the image of his love. You can count on pain when God is doing
something big in you, at least that’s what I have been experiencing. There has
been more resistance than I would like to admit and I have definitely slammed
on the brakes a couple times. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I can
be stubborn and hard headed. It takes a while for me to change my mind but once
I do I am normally all in. Even though I haven’t been walking it out well, I
think I am finally to the point of being willing to listen and to grow.
He
has allowed others to speak life and truth into me and has helped me to be
vulnerable enough to see the truth in the midst of chaos. There is beauty that
radiates in the experiences of others. It’s called God’s glory. It is in those
rays that lives are impacted and more stories unfold. By embracing what God is
doing in me, I am starting to see the direction he is calling me to. When we
trust in the sovereignty of God, the fruits of the spirit produced by the
trials and tears from our stories shine upon our unveiled faces. It’s the
purest form of our active God pursuing us with an unquenchable love. Soon I
will be ready to cross over and fight for the promises He has proclaimed, but
I’m not done being trained. He isn’t finished changing me yet. It was an
unexpected change but one that I am thankful for as its sweet aroma lingers in
the air. My time at Ten Thousand Homes has finally come to an end. As I look
back on everything that I have been through and have learned, I can move forward
confidently, knowing that my time was significant and that my story doesn’t end
here. It’s just begun.
